I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
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We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
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I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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