Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
