I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
