Need sex. Gaining weight.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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