We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
