Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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