I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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