Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
