I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
