im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
