Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
