This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
