Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
