There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She said her name was "party"
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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