Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
