I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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