Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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