i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
