Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
