I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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