drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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