I can text with my tongue
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
whose parrot is this?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
