I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
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Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
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I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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