You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
