you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Pooping to opera.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
