What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
