When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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