Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
