Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
