Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
