On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
