Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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