I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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