dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
