if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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