does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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