YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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