Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
