I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize