I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Randomize
