if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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