i jhust puked up my retainher.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
