we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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