If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.