I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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