i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
