I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
