Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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