wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
