and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
