My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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