Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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