I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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