So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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