tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
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