im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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