fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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