you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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