Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do vagina's smell?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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