I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
