hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
