I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
